‘When I experienced dissociation for the first time, I actually wrote on Tumblr about this feeling that I had, that I didn’t understand what it was. It wasn’t leaving, and then people would reply to me saying that’s dissociation. I researched it and then realised that okay, I have something that I didn’t know I did have or didn’t even know existed. Tumblr was the best.’
I met with Milly in her flat in Upper Clapton.
‘I sometimes feel that even when I’m walking down the street. Like everyone thinks I’m walking funny but I’m just walking, no one cares. Which is that hyper-awareness that is just insane. But I’ve had it before where I wouldn’t leave the house for a long period of time because I just felt so ill. With everything.’
Milly and her housemates painted the flat in bright colours during one of the many lockdowns. Although her own room has neutral white walls, it’s filled with art, from illustration, photography and paintings to ceramics and books. It’s full of life and also full of chaos. We had to rearrange some of it to fit both of us in.
She told me about her creative slump in favour of obsessive pursuit of love. She was very in love at the time.
‘I did realise that I don’t really push myself because of that complete utter fear of something being awful before I even started it. Or just not seeing failure as an option, when that’s like the most important part of creating and I’m so aware of that but I just get so stressed about it so that’s one whole thing.’
‘Everyday we could design our life to be the best day that we ever had but we still struggle to do it. We don’t make the choices. As soon as we wake up it’s a choice: what do i do? You go back to your default mechanism which is the kind of thing that is slightly self-destructive. It’s a routine now.’