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‘When I know I’m feeling anxious, it’s a growing sensation. It’s the weirdest thing. Just that sensation of lostness. Complete lostness and all options don’t really help. You’re just floating around, kind of floundering and it gets really stressful. And then because you don’t know what to do and because you’re not really sure how to work your way out of a situation you just end up literally like a spiral. When your mind can’t detract away from that one thought then I know that I’m in the midst of it. So the aftermath is that losness especially if I’ve not figured out a resolution.’

That day was so up and down. The weather couldn’t really decide if it’s sunny or raining, and we wouldn’t be shooting in the rain. But then the sky cleared up. We met somewhere on a cycle path. It was very pretty, surrounded by nature and tranquility, but also heaps of people commuting. Lots of lycras and expensive bikes, the ringing of empty bottles and cigarette smoke.

‘I like to plan and I like to have answers for things as soon as possible. So then not being able to just come up with solutions is what sometimes makes me fall into those traps.’

‘It’s like a growing growing thing. And it just hits the top and I think sometimes in a way hitting that peak of ‘fuuuuck I don’t know what to do’ allows me to then reset. ‘Cause at that point I feel like that’s the lowest you can feel so then it’s only back up where you can go.’

‘Whatever your triggers and your flares and whatever your spiral is, I think it is very important to just feel the emotions and confront it head on. It’s all just like learning processes.’

‘It’s always like a knock on effect. It takes one thing to knock it and they all start crawling out of the woodworks, and you’re there like ‘I didn’t feel a fucking way about this two days ago and now because of this I feel this way’.’

‘I have a fear of failure, a heavy one. After my experience from uni it really did just feel a little bit like PTSD. So much so when I had to go pick up my collection from uni I couldn’t go for weeks. Until they sent me an email saying ‘you need to come pick your stuff up or we’re gonna chuck it’. And then I had to force myself in. I think before I’d come to uni I really was sure of who I am, what I want to do, and the journey I want to take. And because uni took a hammer and smashed that to pieces I was just like ‘oh my god  what do I do’.’

‘And that was all career-related. Maybe ‘cause of my background and stuff. I’m from an African household so mental health isn’t something that’s really talked about. No not talked about, but, yea not talked about. Not really understood. They don’t really get it and it’s not their fault they’ve had other stuff that they had to deal with at the time. I’m sure that if you’d come to 80s London being a Black person it probably isn’t as great either but like, and in my head I’m like yea mental health, I’m out here on these streets trying to survive, I’ve got to work, I’ve got to do this, do you think I’ve got time to feel down? No. But obviously we live a more privileged life. And the fact that we can experience these things and because I had grown up not hearing any of these terms it’s like ‘I’m just feeling a bit shitty, I feel a bit low’. So I think that’s where for me that’s the learning curve. To this day I always want to downplay it, ‘oh no it’s not anxiety it’s just whatever you just feel a little bit weird’. But actually no, that’s what it is. You can give it a name and you can see it in all different forms.’

‘In a way I feel like your anxiety is your brain’s emergency stop. Like hurdles to stop you. Imagine you’re going down a hill, you bomb straight down it, or you can like zig zag and I almost feel like that’s what anxiety is, it’s like a zig zag of emotions so that you’re not all consumed with it. But I feel like it can hit you all the same. Like bombing down the hill way. It comes in so many different ways, it’s just learning about it and everyone has their different ways.’

‘I like to make lists a lot. I’m a list writer. I don’t tick anything off of them but I’ll write a list. I’ll write a mean list. Even when I’m rushing somewhere I’ll make a list of things I need to do. For me it just channels it into a step by step process.’

‘The point at which you’re already spiralling it’s always important to do self-care things. Just to boost yourself back up to the levels. Because at that point you’re just at a low. Just the weird void of nothingness and everythingness. I don’t know how to explain this. You’re just in this limbo land and I generally think that’s where it comes from. It’s just that lack of certainty and the uncertainty of it.’

‘Cleaning (your room) comes after the actual whirlwind and you’re looking around yourself like ‘my surroundings look like shit’. My room is my safe space. As soon as it starts getting messy, I try to do things in an order but it then just becomes disorganised ‘cause there’s so much shit. And I’m like ‘yeah there’s so much crap around, c’mon put it away’. After I’ve done it, it’s like the calm in my soul. It’s just allowing my thoughts to roam a lot freer, a little bit more lighter. If you can sort your room out and get your life in order in a physical realm, mentally? Ah, piece of piss.’

‘When I know I’m feeling anxious, it’s a growing sensation. It’s the weirdest thing. Just that sensation of lostness. Complete lostness and all options don’t really help. You’re just floating around, kind of floundering and it gets really stressful. And then because you don’t know what to do and because you’re not really sure how to work your way out of a situation you just end up literally like a spiral. When your mind can’t detract away from that one thought then I know that I’m in the midst of it. So the aftermath is that losness especially if I’ve not figured out a resolution.’

That day was so up and down. The weather couldn’t really decide if it’s sunny or raining, and we wouldn’t be shooting in the rain. But then the sky cleared up. We met somewhere on a cycle path. It was very pretty, surrounded by nature and tranquility, but also heaps of people commuting. Lots of lycras and expensive bikes, the ringing of empty bottles and cigarette smoke.

‘I like to plan and I like to have answers for things as soon as possible. So then not being able to just come up with solutions is what sometimes makes me fall into those traps.’

‘It’s like a growing growing thing. And it just hits the top and I think sometimes in a way hitting that peak of ‘fuuuuck I don’t know what to do’ allows me to then reset. ‘Cause at that point I feel like that’s the lowest you can feel so then it’s only back up where you can go.’

‘Whatever your triggers and your flares and whatever your spiral is, I think it is very important to just feel the emotions and confront it head on. It’s all just like learning processes.’

‘It’s always like a knock on effect. It takes one thing to knock it and they all start crawling out of the woodworks, and you’re there like ‘I didn’t feel a fucking way about this two days ago and now because of this I feel this way’.’

‘I have a fear of failure, a heavy one. After my experience from uni it really did just feel a little bit like PTSD. So much so when I had to go pick up my collection from uni I couldn’t go for weeks. Until they sent me an email saying ‘you need to come pick your stuff up or we’re gonna chuck it’. And then I had to force myself in. I think before I’d come to uni I really was sure of who I am, what I want to do, and the journey I want to take. And because uni took a hammer and smashed that to pieces I was just like ‘oh my god  what do I do’.’

‘And that was all career-related. Maybe ‘cause of my background and stuff. I’m from an African household so mental health isn’t something that’s really talked about. No not talked about, but, yea not talked about. Not really understood. They don’t really get it and it’s not their fault they’ve had other stuff that they had to deal with at the time. I’m sure that if you’d come to 80s London being a Black person it probably isn’t as great either but like, and in my head I’m like yea mental health, I’m out here on these streets trying to survive, I’ve got to work, I’ve got to do this, do you think I’ve got time to feel down? No. But obviously we live a more privileged life. And the fact that we can experience these things and because I had grown up not hearing any of these terms it’s like ‘I’m just feeling a bit shitty, I feel a bit low’. So I think that’s where for me that’s the learning curve. To this day I always want to downplay it, ‘oh no it’s not anxiety it’s just whatever you just feel a little bit weird’. But actually no, that’s what it is. You can give it a name and you can see it in all different forms.’

‘In a way I feel like your anxiety is your brain’s emergency stop. Like hurdles to stop you. Imagine you’re going down a hill, you bomb straight down it, or you can like zig zag and I almost feel like that’s what anxiety is, it’s like a zig zag of emotions so that you’re not all consumed with it. But I feel like it can hit you all the same. Like bombing down the hill way. It comes in so many different ways, it’s just learning about it and everyone has their different ways.’

‘I like to make lists a lot. I’m a list writer. I don’t tick anything off of them but I’ll write a list. I’ll write a mean list. Even when I’m rushing somewhere I’ll make a list of things I need to do. For me it just channels it into a step by step process.’

‘The point at which you’re already spiralling it’s always important to do self-care things. Just to boost yourself back up to the levels. Because at that point you’re just at a low. Just the weird void of nothingness and everythingness. I don’t know how to explain this. You’re just in this limbo land and I generally think that’s where it comes from. It’s just that lack of certainty and the uncertainty of it.’

‘Cleaning (your room) comes after the actual whirlwind and you’re looking around yourself like ‘my surroundings look like shit’. My room is my safe space. As soon as it starts getting messy, I try to do things in an order but it then just becomes disorganised ‘cause there’s so much shit. And I’m like ‘yeah there’s so much crap around, c’mon put it away’. After I’ve done it, it’s like the calm in my soul. It’s just allowing my thoughts to roam a lot freer, a little bit more lighter. If you can sort your room out and get your life in order in a physical realm, mentally? Ah, piece of piss.’